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Background
Several years ago, scientists created a new virus that only infected dopaminergic cells, the cells of the euphoria centers of the brain. Once in the cells, this virus was designed to inhibit phosphodiesterase, thus boosting cellular levels of cyclic AMP and stimulating the second messenger pathways. This is essentially the same effect produced by cocaine and other drugs of abuse. Very low doses of the virus caused people to feel happiness, slightly higher doses produced chuckling, and much higher doses caused uncontrollable laughter and, if not immediately given medical attention, death due to hysteric convulsions. The effects of the virus would last several hours, after which desensitization of the second messenger system downregulated the effectiveness of the virus, and the immune system mounted an attack to further dampen viral activity.
Apparently, a desperate scientist, unable to get his grant funded, applied some of the virus to his grant application. This put the reviewers in an extremely pleasant state of mind, despite an otherwise dull grant application, and the reviewers ended up giving an incredibly good score to the application. Word soon leaked out, and within a short time many scientists were using this "happy virus." Some went so far as to encapsulate the virus in microparticles, equivalent to the "scratch and sniff" format, which the mechanical stimulation of page turning would activate. However, dosage was hard to control, and reviewers who barely read the application were only mildly affected while those reviewers who actually read every page received amounts of the virus that resulted in toxic levels of laughter.
To reduce the chance of viral infection, grant reviewers were advised to read the applications in a class III biohazard hood, wearing two pairs of latex gloves, protective garb, and a self-contained breathing unit. Needless to say, few reviewers followed this protocol, and there were increasing occurrences of humor-infected reviewers.
Current Status
The "happy virus" prompted NIH to switch to an all-electronic grant review system, thus eliminating the chance for the virus to be disseminated through the actual grant application. However, some applicants figured a way to encode humor in the text of their grant applications, thus causing extreme laughter in the reviewers. Physical contact with the virus was no longer necessary as word combinations alone could trigger the effect.
What To Do
Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to read a grant application in a relaxed frame of mind. The virus is least effective when the recipient is in a somber or stressed state of mind. Only read grant applications while driving through rush hour traffic, hang gliding, bungy jumping, or listening to Mozart's Requiem. If you begin to feel happy when reading an application, stop reading and think of unpleasant thoughts. In the future, NIH will only use grant reviewers who have been unsuccessful in obtaining grant support, and are therefore in a permanent non-humorous state of mind. Eventually, NIH hopes to replace the grant reviewers with computers, but hasn't yet figured out an algorithm that is sufficiently random to recreate the current grant review process.
Lloyd Fricker is a professor of molecular pharmacology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York City.
Andrzej Krauze is an illustrator, poster maker, cartoonist, and painter who illustrates regularly for HMS Beagle, The Guardian, The Sunday Telegraph, Bookseller, and New Statesman.
