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Editor's note: On the evening of October 5, 2000, the flower of Cambridge, Massachusetts made its way to Harvard's Sanders Theater to take part in that annual science soirée, the Tenth First Annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony, honoring research that "cannot or should not be reproduced." The Igs are a production of the science humor magazine the Annals of Improbable Research, and once again, HMS Beagle was pleased to cohost the live Webcast of the Igs (if you missed the live event, you can catch the archived Webcast). Our Webcast partner is The Alchemist, the magazine of BioMedNet's companion site, Chemweb.
Collapsing toilets, MRIs of lovemaking, and tasty tadpoles all figured in the research deemed this year to merit the Ig Nobel (for profiles of the winners, see this issue's Sex, Frogs, and Danger in the Loo). The awards were presented in traditionally raucous fashion by tradtionally raucous actual Nobel laureates.
As always, one of the highlights of the evening was the world premiere of an opera commissioned exclusively for the Igs. This year's offering is Brain Food Opera, the thrilling tale of one couple's quest for the ideal food that will make them the smartest persons ever. A disagreement threatens their perfect love - will bigger brains break their hearts? Read on.
Act 1
[MUSIC: "Mon coeur s'ouvre à ta voix" from Samson et Dalila (Saint-Saëns)]
NARRATOR (spoken): Tonight's opera is an educational tale. It's about a man and woman who want to be the most intelligent couple on earth. But they disagree on how to go about it. HE insists they should eat nothing but fish. SHE insists on brains - and nothing but. Let's listen as they discuss this intellectual fine point.
BOTH: My dream is just to be
The smartest person ever
SHE: I'll be wise and I'll be clever
HE: (melody is in accompaniment) I'll be wise and - well, whateverBOTH: I know just what to do
A very
special diet
SHE: I am sure that I must try it
HE: (melody as before) I am sure it's time to try it
SHE: If brains are what
you need
To make your life complete
It only stands to reason
That
it's brains that you must eat
So that's what I shall eat!
Brains - I'll just eat brains - No fruits or grains,
No variation
Brains - No fast food chains - Have what sustains
My cogitation
Medulla oblongata
Is bound to make me smarta
Cerebrum and
cerebellum
And folks will do exactly what I tell 'em
To
HE: (first syllable (No!) simultaneous with "To" above, his melody is in accompaniment)
No! No! It's common knowledge
There's only one food
that can feed the brain.
(back to melody of "Brains" above)
Fish -
I'll just eat fish - My fav'rite dish
Though once I shunned it
Fish -
Yum, yum, delish - I'll get my wish
And be a pundit.
Trout, cod, or barracuda
Salmon will make me shrewda
Broil, bake,
saute or fry it
BOTH: I know at last I've found the perfect di-et!
Act 2
[MUSIC: "Seguidilla" from Carmen (Bizet)]
NARRATOR (spoken):
When last we saw our happy couple, HE intended to stuff
himself with fish, and SHE was planning to eat nothing but brains. Let's join
them now, as they criticize each other's taste.
HE: Not if you paid me would I consider eating brains
They're gross
and they couldn't be grosser
They look really awful and look even worse when
you're closer
Would I dream of eating any? No, sir!
SHE (to melody of
accompaniment):
I must say that fish are slimy
On the whole they horrify
me
Fish are scaly, fish are oily
Fish are smelly
HE:
Brain-eating is insidious
They're positively hideous
If you're at all
fastidious
You really can not disagree
SHE (to melody of
accompaniment):
Ick - fish are so revolting
(HE: You must agree)
Ick - fish are so disgusting
It is no wonder
They call it
ick-thyology
HE: Brains are for testing
Not for ingesting
Would you run faster if you ate feet?
SHE: Fish have that yucky oily
flesh
Smell fishy even when they're fresh
HE: How could you
even think of eating any meat that's gray?
I say, no way!
I am the smart
one, you are the dumb one
SHE: Nonsense, my dear, it's just the reverse
BOTH (to each other):
You're a moron to begin with
Eating
[brains/fish] 'll only make it worse
Not if you paid me would I consider
eating [brains/fish]
They're gross and they couldn't be grosser
They look
really awful and look even worse when you're closer
Would I dream of eating
any? No, sir!
Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Act 3
[MUSIC: "Libiamo" from La Traviata (Verdi)]
[There are two large stands nearby, with the NOBEL LAUREATES handing out fish and brains to a group of MINGLING CUSTOMERS. One stand has a sign on top saying "FISH." The other stand, just a few feet away, is topped with a big sign that says "BRAINS."
At the end of this song, when the couple sing about "fishbrains," the stands are pushed together so they are topped by a single hybrid sign that says "FISHBRAINS."
NARRATOR (spoken): Years have passed since we saw our happy couple. Perhaps inevitably, publicity for their simple diets has caught the public's imagination. Our couple became genuine celebrities. Unfortunately, the brains SHE ate came from mad cows, and she contracted mad cow disease. The fish HE ate were contaminated with mercury, and he came down with mad hatter's disease. But their love deepened. Yes, they were mad for each other. Let's join them now as they find a way to reconcile their differences . . . and as they come up with the world's next big diet fad!
HE: It's clear
Fish and brains are not merely a fad
And if only
the two of us weren't so intelligent
My dear
Then by now I would surely
be mad
As a hatter and you would be madder than a cow
SHE: The public seems to be wanting brains and fish
They always ask for
the latest diet
And they don't stop, not until they buy it
Of course they
must try it right away
BOTH: Our dream has come true
Both for me and for you
We could not
bear it
If we don't share it with the world
SHE: I know
Now, my darling, it's you I adore
And your I.Q.
There's no one like you
In all the world today
And so
Minor side
effects we can ignore
Like conniptions and heebie-jeebies and maybe death
HE: Perhaps these diets'll be passé
some day
SHE: Perhaps we could re . . . fine them
HE: Or better yet, com . . . bine
them
[music slows and stops]
[spoken:]
HE:
. . . Fish? . . .
SHE: . . . Brains? . . .
HE:
. . . Fish . . .
SHE:
. . . Brains . . .
BOTH: (get the idea together) Fish brains!!!
[sung:]
BOTH: Hooray!
HE: You are brilliant, my dear,
SHE: So are you
BOTH: So let's stop singing
And begin bringing
you [slow down] fish - (hold the note)
Brains!
[Everyone else on stage has been swelling the ranks of the MINGLING CROWD as the following happens: The two vending stands are pushed together, forming a single sign at the top that says "FISHBRAINS." The NOBEL LAUREATES, with the happy approval of the MINGLING CUSTOMERS, fling fish brains into the audience.]
CHORUS: Oh, yes, please, for God's sake stop singing!
Please!! Now it's time
to start flinging
Fish . . . brains . . . to . . . you!!
Marc Abrahams is editor of the Annals of Improbable Research and chairman of the Ig Nobel Board of Governors. He and Don Kater are also the authors of La Forza del Duct Tape and The Seedy Opera, the mini-operas of the 1998 and 1999 Ig Nobel Prize ceremonies.
Frederick H. Carlson is a professional artist and illustrator whose clients include The Saturday Evening Post, Baltimore Sun and Pittsburgh Magazine.
