Every spring, millions of parents are faced with the problem of what to do with their school-aged kids during the long summer break (which didn't seem long enough when we were kids, but now seems quite excessive). Although there are numerous summer camps for normal kids, scientists are somewhat reluctant to send their children to camp where the major intellectual activities involve coordinating late night "panty raids" or arranging "tadpole eating contests." There is a need for camps that meet the special requirements of future scientists. The following is a listing of camps that don't quite exist yet but are likely to appear due to the basic principle that running a camp is a great way to make millions of dollars by working only 8 weeks a year!

Camp O-Wa-Ta-La-Ta-Fun

This camp combines the best of regular summer camp with the fun of science. In addition to standard camp activities such as swimming, boating, horseback riding, team sports, and food fights, this camp has a gigantic science lab where campers learn about physics, chemistry, and the various -ologies (biology, physiology, pathology, zoology, geology, archeology, and even pharmacology). Hands-on demonstrations of fundamental scientific principles are provided. Kids will thrill in the adventure of discovering, all on their own, such important scientific concepts as gravity, fire, and penicillin. A highlight of every camper's experience is our weekly bonfire and sleepout. Gather round the campfire for chilling real-life stories such as the basement chemist who inadvertently discovered a neurotoxin and developed Parkinson's disease, the post-doc who fabricated data and got caught, or the professors who thought they discovered cold fusion and called a press conference. This camp is co-ed (of course, for those informal anatomy lessons behind the bushes).

Camp Em-Dee-Wa-Na-Bee

This camp is popular among kids who want to be doctors. Special emphasis is placed on premed courses and on science projects (so you'll have something exciting to talk about during your college and medical school interviews). This camp is affiliated with a real live Nobel Laureate who will visit the camp, shake your hand, and then personally write you a recommendation letter for entry into the premed program and medical school of your choice.

Camp Wee-Nee-Dah-Ten-Shun

This camp is designed specifically for children of scientists. The major daily activity is support group discussion sessions modeled after those of children of alcoholics. Discussion topics include: "I know my parents really do love me even though they..." (pick one of the following):

(a) packed me off to summer camp for 8 weeks so they could work in lab 18 hours per day;

(b) are more interested in reading back issues of scientific journals than my school report on Alexander the Great; and

(c) don't always remember my name.

Learn key words and phrases to use in conversations with your scientist parents so that they'll include you in the conversation (or rather, so that they'll direct their nightly monologue towards you). Hands on workshops teach special skills needed to live with scientists parents such as: how to get attention at the dinner table without resorting to violence; feigning interest in their incredibly minuscule discovery so they'll let you borrow money; and how to tell them that you want to major in art history without sending them into shock.