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© 1999 Marc Abrahams and Don Kater
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See Real Video of the 1999 Ig Nobel award ceremony!
Editor's note: On the evening of September 30, the glitterati of the science world repaired to that trendy Cambridge (Massachusetts) hot spot, the Sanders Theater, to take part in the event of the millennium - the Ninth First Annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony. Arrayed in their finest - two attendees sported charming chapeaux resembling a certain nineteenth-century biological survey ship - they came to see and be seen; to give, receive, and generally rejoice in the Ig, which celebrates all that is most outlandish in scientific research.
The Ig Nobel Prize honors work that "cannot or should not be reproduced" (though value judgements on the merits of the work are avoided). Winners come from around the world to receive their prizes, which are presented by actual Nobel laureates. This year's winners include, in their respective categories:
In addition to the presentation of the Ig Nobels, the ceremonial festivities featured the 30-second Heisenberg Certainty Lectures; the Win-a-Date-With-a-Nobel-Laureate Contest; and the world premiere of "The Seedy Opera," a mini-opera based on the legend of human cloning pioneer (and 1998 Ig winner) Richard Seed. Owing to jealousy in high places, plans are not underway to move the show to the Metropolitan Opera House. So, as a service to our readers, we present the libretto of the opera below. You can also see Real Video of the 1999 Ig Nobel award ceremony, which have been archived for posterity.
The Seedy Opera
Act 1
ANNOUNCER: Legend has it that in the hills of Chicago, there dwelled a brilliant, lonely shepherd named Richard Seed. One day, he made a scientific breakthrough - he discovered how to clone sheep. Join us now, as Richard Seed contemplates his sheep, and yearns for companionship.
[There are five RICHARD SEEDS, only one of whom is on stage at the start. The five have easily distinguished voices, and are of different heights. They all wear identical Richard Seed half-masks. Each wears a Pavarottian tux and scarf, and carries a shepherd's staff. RICHARD SEEDS #2, #3, #4, and #5 each has something on which the cloning has gone a little off - some fur, an extra head, a fin, etc.]
[The CLONED SHEEP are played by NOBEL LAUREATES. They all wear fleeces on their backs and heads.]
[NOTE: in the printed program, list the five SEED singers' character names as JOHHNY, RONNIE, DONNIE, LONNIE, and DON GIOVANNI.]
[Music: "O Sole Mio."]
I made some new sheep
Didn't need a ewe-sheep
In the world of science
I have joined the giants [sheep bleat with pride]
Were I a glutton
I could feast on mutton [sheep bleat in protest]
But it's not worth it for a few bytes of RAM.
[Sheep bleat "Ra-a-a-a-am" in reaction to the pun.]
O solo me-oh!
Oh, lonesome me!
Although a genius
I well may be,
For a genius
It's ignomeenious
To have these stupid sheep for company.
No stimulation
From their conversation
It's so defeating
All I get is bleating [sheep bleat]
[He gets an idea.]
[Spoken:] However -
[Sung:]
I'd not be lonesome
Not if I could clone some
Completely perfect humans just like me.
No solo me-oh.
[#2 appears.] Why not a duo?
[#3 appears.] Perhaps a trio!
[#4 appears.] Hey, why not four?
[#5 appears.] But with five
We'd really thrive!
[SEED acts as if to go on, but the others restrain him.]
SEED: Don't stop me now,
Let there be more and more . . .
[He tries to continue singing but they attempt to shut him up.]
and more and more and more . . . [fades out]
[They drag him offstage, still singing.]
Act 2
ANNOUNCER: It was quite an accomplishment for Richard Seed to clone all those sheep, and then to clone himself, too. Of course all this made his mother VERY proud. Join us now as his mother beams with joy while Richard tries to get some sleep.
[The five RICHARD SEEDS lie down on the stage, all restlessly trying - and failing - to fall asleep while their MOTHER kisses them, pinches their cheeks, then breaks into exuberant song. Additional RICHARD SEEDS keep wandering in and lying down on the stage.]
[Music: "Ombra Leggiera" (the shadow song) from Meyerbeer's Dinorah.]
[The words shown here should be sung slowly. The trills that comprise the remainder of the piece should then be more sprightly.]
MOTHER: My son is almost perfect.
He is very much
Like every other mother's son.
Compared to others, though,
My son is better
By a ratio of five to one.
No other mother
With immaculate conceptions
Ever had more than just one.
La la la la la la! La la la la la! La la la la la la la la!
[She trills loudly and proudly at each of her sons. Then, one by one, the SHEEP come on stage.
They leap over the five RICHARD SEEDS.
Then they sing "bahhhh" responses to the mother's trills.
Then the sheep attempt to frolic with the RICHARD SEEDS, who attempt to go to sleep despite both the sheep and the mother's trilling.
The two word phrase that sometimes occurs in the Mother's trilling phase should be simply "My son!"]
Act 3
ANNOUNCER: In far-off New Zealand, a young maiden has heard the news - that in Chicago there are some identical - and thus very valuable - sheep. The maiden and her sisters decide to go steal the sheep, get rich - and THEN do something about their abysmal love lives. Let's listen to their maidenly thoughts.
[The five MAIDEN SISTERS all wear identical Madonna half-masks. Only two of them actually sing here.]
[Two large portraits hang somewhere. One, a picture of Madonna, is captioned "Our Sainted Mom." The other, a picture of Jesse Ventura, is captioned "Our Sainted Dad."]
[Music: "Viens, Mallika" (the Flower Duet) from Delibes's Lakme.]
[NOTE: This skips the first line of the original music.]
MAIDEN #1: Come, my sisters!
Come, let us go steal those famous sheep.
Then when we're rich,
We will trade them in for something better
with which we-ee can sleep.
MAIDENS 1 & 2: I want a guy
Just like the guy
Like the perfect gentleman - the splendid man -
who married dear old mom.
One of a kind . . .
The perfect find . . .
Better than the best I ever saw
when I was just a peeping Tom.
He's - absolutely - u-unique!
He's - what I seek! Great physique!
I know that he is unlike any other.
And maybe he's got a little brother.
And, undoubtedly,
I'll bet that he
Has a quiet, humble mother, too.
Come, let us go!
Yes, now we know:
Loo-ove dema-aa-aands - that we-ee-ee-ee steal shee-eep.
Act 4
ANNOUNCER: The five maidens have journeyed to Chicago in search of sheep and love. Join us now as they find the cloned sheep, meet the many RICHARD SEEDS, and fall in love - though in a most unexpected, delightful, and profitable way.
[Music: from Carl Orff's Carmina Burana.]
[NOTE that we have one more verse than is in the original music.]
[All the MAIDENS and all the SHEEP are on stage. The RICHARD SEEDS stay off stage until the final stanzas.]
MAIDENS: Where are those sheep?
THERE are those sheep!
Oh my, don't they look splendid!
Look at that wool -
It's beautiful.
Looks like our search is ended.
Each lovely fleece
A masterpiece.
Our fortune will be made now.
We can't resist;
They must be kissed
Come here, don't be afraid now
[The music pauses.]
[The MAIDENS kiss the SHEEP, who throw off their fleeces and stand up to reveal themselves as lab-coated handsome SCIENTISTS.]
MAIDEN #1 [spoken]: Oh! Oh, my! You stupid sheep have turned into handsome scientists!
BELWETHER SHEEP/SCIENTIST [spoken, slowly]: Well, of course. Why are you surprised? Have you ever kissed a sheep that DIDN'T turn into a handsome scientist?
MAIDEN #1 [spoken]: I'd prefer not to discuss that.
[The music resumes.]
MAIDEN #1: My, what a change.
That was a strange
Genome re-combination.
MAIDEN #2: And, I must say,
A clever way
To do exfoliation!
MAIDEN #1: So this is love.
Kinda sort of
Not what I had expected.
MAIDEN #2: I recommend:
Get your boyfriend
USDA inspected.
MAIDEN #2: So come, sweetheart,
And let us start
To form a corporation;
A business which
Will make us rich
From human replication.
MAIDENS AND SHEEP:
Here's what we'll do -
We'll sell them to
Armies of every nation.
No need to draft,
With armies staffed
By clones of our creation.
[During the next, final, verse, zillions of the RICHARD SEEDS enter in grand style. All the SEEDS are singing the final verse of "O Solo Me-oh," their lines interspersed with what the maidens are singing.]
When there's a war
We'll just make more.
How many will you nee-eed?
We will provide
To either side
As many copies as they want of Richard Seed.
Marc Abrahams is editor of the Annals of Improbable Research and chairman of the Ig Nobel Board of Governors. He and Don Kater are also the authors of La Forza del Duct Tape, the mini-opera of the 1998 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony.
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