The recent decision by the Kansas Board of Education to ban the teaching of evolution and anything else that disagrees with creationist views has left many people wondering, What will they teach in science classes? It's also left a few people wondering, Was this group the Board of Education or the Bored of Education? Well, we've obtained an authentic copy of a science test to be given to ninth graders in Kansas. As you can see from the following test, they do mention evolution and natural selection. Answers are given at the end.

Quiz for Students in Kansas Public Schools

     (a) 5 days.
     (b) 6 days.
     (c) 7 days.
     (d) 40 days and 40 nights.
     See answer

2. All heavenly bodies revolve around:

     (a) the earth.
     (b) the moon.
     (c) Kansas.
     (d) the Kansas Board of Education.
     See answer

3. The first humans were called:

     (a) Homo erectus.
     (b) Homo eroticus.
     (c) Adam and Eve.
     (d) Fred, Wilma, Betty, and Barney.
     See answer

4. Charles Darwin was a bad person because:

     (a) he didn't believe in the Bible
     (b) he studied the clergy for two years but dropped out to go on a
          5-year cruise.
     (c) he married his cousin.
     (d) all of the above.
     See answer

5. Natural selection is:

     (a) hair coloring.
     (b) a brand of granola.
     (c) an organic grocery store in Topeka, Kansas.
     (d) an herbal alternative to a drug.
     See answer

6. The biggest problem with the theory of evolution is that it:

     (a) contradicts the word of God.
     (b) takes too long.
     (c) doesn't explain the existence of good and evil.
     (d) all of the above.
      See answer

7. The Big Bang is:

     (a) another name for the celebration of Independence Day.
     (b) a Mafiosi expression meaning "to kill someone."
     (c) a pornographic movie.
     (d) all of the above.
     See answer

8. The age of the universe is:

     (a) 7 days.
     (b) 40 days and 40 nights.
     (c) 6,000 years.
     (d) all of the above.
     See answer

9. People who don't believe in the Bible's view of Creation are called:

     (a) heathen scum.
     (b) the devil's helpers.
     (c) scientists.
     (d) all of the above.
     See answer

10.Write a 2 page essay on "How we know the Earth is flat." See answer

Answers:
1. (a) It took 5 days for the creation of the universe and all the plants and animals. If you answered "b" (6 days), you were probably thinking of the time it took to create the universe, the plants, the animals, and the people.
See question

2. (a) All heavenly bodies revolve around the Earth. If you answered Kansas, you were partially right since Kansas is the center of the Earth.
See question

3. (c) The first humans were called Adam and Eve. If you answered "d" you've been watching too much TV. If you answered "a" or "b" you should wash your mouth out with soap.
See question

4. (d) Charles Darwin was a bad person because of many things. He was basically a rotten evil person.
See question

5. (d) Natural selection is the term used when someone chooses a herbal medicine over a drug made by Satan-worshipping scientists.
See question

6. (d) The problem with the theory of evolution is all of the above: it contradicts eyewitness reports of God, who was the only one present at the time of creation. It also takes too long and doesn't explain why there would be good and evil.
See question

7. (a) The Big Bang is another term for a Fourth of July party. If you answered "c," we will notify your parents.
See question

8. (c) The age of the universe is 6,000 years. If you answered "d" (all of the above), you are logic-impaired and need to take remedial math classes.
See question

9. (d) People who don't believe in the Bible's description of Creation are called many bad names including heathen scum, the devil's helpers, and scientists. These names all mean the same thing.
See question

10. The answers will vary for this essay question on "how we know the Earth is flat", but all should include the following points:
See question

(a) It's the way it's described in the ancient teachings.

(b) Columbus was mistaken in thinking he'd sailed to India - it was really just some islands off the coast of America.

(c) The earth sure looks flat in Kansas.

Lloyd Fricker is a professor of molecular pharmacology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York City.

Ed Himelblau is currently a graduate student in the Cell and Molecular Biology Program at the University of Wisconsin at Madison.

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