OK, so you got a terrible score on a grant application - it happens to everyone. You're probably asking yourself some soul-searching questions, like "Am I a real scientist?", "Can I ever write a successful grant application?", or "Why was the Stooge with no hair named 'Curly'?" Science may never provide an answer to that last question, but you can at least take this simple Real Scientist Quiz to find out if you're cut out for the life of a true scientist.

The Real Scientist Quiz

2. Your spouse wants to discuss plans for the family vacation with your kids. You:

     (a) propose to go camping so you can explain the wonders of nature to your kids
     (b) propose to go to another city so you can spend the day in your friend's lab while your spouse takes the kids sightseeing.
     (c) ask your spouse, "We have kids?"

3. At a scientific meeting on an island in the South Pacific, no talks are scheduled in the afternoon. During this free time, you:

     (a) follow the local custom and sunbathe on the beach in the nude.
     (b) sit on the beach fully clothed, unaware of the nude sunbathers, and discuss science with your colleagues.
     (c) sit in your hotel room with the drapes closed, and work on your manuscript.

4. The nurse at school calls to tell you that your second-grade child has chicken pox. You:

     (a) immediately drop what you're doing and rush to school to pick up your sick kid.
     (b) immediately drop what you're doing and begin trying to find a cure for chicken pox.
     (c) ask the nurse for directions to the school, and the names of your kids.

5. Beings from outer space visit Earth, and you are the first human they meet. To show their friendship, they present you with a highly advanced device that is capable of prolonging life, ending human suffering, and curing disease. You:

     (a) present it to the United Nations.
     (b) apply for a patent.
     (c) break it open to see how it works.

6. What is the longest amount of time that you have worked without a vacation (excluding scientific meetings)?

     (a) Six months.
     (b) Two years.
     (c) I took a weekend off about 10 years ago.

7. What are your hobbies?

     (a) Sports, music, and dance, because they allow the analytical parts of my brain to relax.
     (b) Cooking, because it's quite a lot like science.
     (c) Reading back issues of scientific journals cover to cover.

8. Your best friend is:

     (a) a member of your college fraternity.
     (b) a member of your immediate family.
     (c) a member of a gene family.

Score: give yourself one point for every question you answered with an "a," 5 points for every "b," and 50 points for every "c." If you took the test three times and averaged your score, give yourself 100 extra points. If you calculated the standard error of the mean, give yourself 500 points. If you scored less than 10, you are normal. Scores of 11-50 indicate an obsessed scientist. If you scored more than 50, you are in need of help and should consider joining Scientists Anonymous; if you scored greater than 500, you should forget Scientists Anonymous and get back to work since you are beyond help, and may actually succeed as a scientist.

Lloyd Fricker is a professor of molecular pharmacology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York City.

Andrzej Krauze is an illustrator, poster maker, cartoonist, and painter who illustrates regularly for HMS Beagle, The Guardian, The Sunday Telegraph, Bookseller, and New Statesman.

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