Man, I love these chocolate-covered almonds.

Chocolate-covered peanuts are fine, but they get a little boring after a while. To tell the truth, I'm sick and tired of peanuts. They are the four-door beige Dodge Aries of the nut world. And technically peanuts aren't even nuts; they're a pulse crop, whatever that is. Chocolate-covered raisins are great; unfortunately, they tend to get stuck very prominently to your pearly whites, which I have discovered does not impress the chicks.

So almonds are definitely the way to go. But beware, my friends, or else you may wind up hitching a one-way ride on the Golden Chariot, never to return. What I mean is, you could sink your teeth into the proverbial Big One. You'll be taking a dirt nap. Ten-four, over and out . . . forever.

That's because I read somewhere that there are two types of almonds, "sweet" and "bitter." The bitter kind contains traces of prussic acid. Prussic acid is described by reliable sources as "lethal" and also happens to be a proud member of the cyanogen family. Cyanogens are a basic component of cyanide, and in case you aren't up-to-date on deadly poisons, having cyanide inside you is like booking Tori Amos as the opening act for Pantera: definitely not a good idea. If 200 to 300 milligrams of this stuff ever finds its way down your gaping maw in a single serving, you'll be shaking hands with Elvis in the next world before you can say "roustabout." (And that's plenty fast.)

Ahem. Technically speaking, cyanogenetic glycosides such as amygdalin, which can be found in the seeds of various fruits, undergo an enzymatic reaction when ingested and release hydrogen cyanide gas, which in small quantities can be neutralized and expelled from the body - whereas too much at once can cause a reaction commonly referred to in the medical world as "instant death."

Anyway, all this got me wondering . . . are you playing Russian roulette when you innocently knock down a box of chocolate-covered almonds while you're watching the Godzilla double-feature? Of course not, unless those almonds you're noshing contain bitter almonds. But, ha-ha, that's impossible. Besides, heating bitter almonds effectively destroys the toxicity of the poison. On top of that, selling bitter almonds - or even mentioning them in an airport security zone - will get you busted by the Man. (Call Guinness because I'm going for the record for number of times you can use "almond" in one paragraph.) If the unthinkable occurred, however, and the Partridge Family got back together and . . . excuse me . . . I mean if you were following the Snowman in his 18-wheeler loaded with almonds, and his almond-laden rig suddenly wiped out on the highway ahead of you and spewed its precious candy-coated cargo of almonds all over the blacktop in a heavenly brown avalanche, and you shamelessly looted the wreck (and who wouldn't?), and if Hershey had unwittingly substituted bitter almonds for the common and harmless sweet variety of almonds as a result of corporate sabotage, and then disastrously failed to run those very same almonds through the ovens, I estimate you'd only have to consume about three or four boxes before you keeled over stone dead. Happy, yes, but deceased.

Well, then. Let us relax and enjoy something nice and healthy instead, like an apple. What could be more wholesome and pure than the noble apple? Apple seeds, however, also contain tiny amounts of cyanogens. It's the same story with the kernels of apricot pits, for example, and peach pits. But let's face it. I can't quite see myself or anyone else other than the Incredible Hulk deliberately choking down a dump truck full of apricot pits for dessert, and even the Hulk isn't that dumb.

But before you kick back and crack open an ice-cold root beer to sip your troubles away, hearken back to the good old days when sassafras root and bark were used as a flavoring agent in root beer. Why do you think they called it "root" beer, anyway? And guess what? Sassafras bark is outlawed now, of course, since it was discovered to contain an evil carcinogen called safrole. This raises some obvious questions. I got on the blower to Coca-Cola, but they refused to 'fess up about the nature of the mysterious "natural flavors" mentioned on the side of their root beer can - although they soothingly assured me that it's all perfectly legit.

Nuts.