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Barry Wolman, Tributes from CANCER-L
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Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 05:20:26 -0800
From: Judy Gibson
Subject: Paul Klein, on Barry

Paul Klein, who no longer subscribes to this list, asked me to post this for him.

Thoughts about Barry . . .
I never met Barry Wolman -- but I knew him well.

I knew his generosity . . . he was never too busy, too preoccupied with his own problems to help us with our own.

I knew his wisdom . . . his advice and observations were based upon his twelve years of combat against our common enemy, filtered through his keen and analytical mind.

I knew his outlook . . . it was unflinching, unfaltering, ever hopeful, ever optimistic. His credo, expressed so many times in so many ways:
I knew his courage . . . As he put it, he had opted, despite the known risk and the odds, to "go for the homerun" with a BMT.

I knew his tenacity . . . He had done it all, used every available weapon in our arsenal: the gamut of chemos, new and established, radiation, BMT . . . as the years went by, from his early forties to his mid-fifties.

I knew his intellect . . . as we theorized, via cyberspace -- he, Judy Gibson, and I -- about different approaches to our common problem, different attitudes, medical innovations. I had the profoundest respect for his thinking.

I knew his presence . . . he was alive, real, the genuine article. His personality and decency came to us through his carefully, thoughtfully crafted messages.

I knew his strength . . . he never yielded an inch to "The Dragon", steadfastedly refusing to reconstruct his daily life to accommodate any illness, no matter how serious, no matter how menacing.

I knew Barry Wolman. I liked him as I would an old friend -- and I shall miss him as such. But I will accept and embrace the legacy he left to us all: "Never give up. Never, ever,give up".

We all owe it to him to do the same.

Paul H. Klein 3/26/97


Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 05:20:26 -0800
From: Judy Gibson
Subject: Paul Klein, on Barry

Paul Klein, who no longer subscribes to this list, asked me to post this for him.

Judy

Thoughts about Barry . . .
I never met Barry Wolman -- but I knew him well.

I knew his generosity . . . he was never too busy, too preoccupied with his own problems to help us with our own.

I knew his wisdom . . . his advice and observations were based upon his twelve years of combat against our common enemy, filtered through his keen and analytical mind.

I knew his outlook . . . it was unflinching, unfaltering, ever hopeful, ever optimistic. His credo, expressed so many times in so many ways:

I knew his courage . . . As he put it, he had opted, despite the known risk and the odds, to "go for the homerun" with a BMT.

I knew his tenacity . . . He had done it all, used every available weapon in our arsenal: the gamut of chemos, new and established, radiation, BMT . . . as the years went by, from his early forties to his mid-fifties.

I knew his intellect . . . as we theorized, via cyberspace -- he, Judy Gibson, and I -- about different approaches to our common problem, different attitudes, medical innovations. I had the profoundest respect for his thinking.

I knew his presence . . . he was alive, real, the genuine article. His personality and decency came to us through his carefully, thoughtfully crafted messages.

I knew his strength . . . he never yielded an inch to "The Dragon", steadfastedly refusing to reconstruct his daily life to accommodate any illness, no matter how serious, no matter how menacing.

I knew Barry Wolman. I liked him as I would an old friend -- and I shall miss him as such. But I will accept and embrace the legacy he left to us all:

"Never give up. Never, ever,give up."

We all owe it to him to do the same.

Paul H. Klein 3/26/97

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 05:57:28 -0800
From: Judy Gibson
Subject: Barry Wolman

The great thing about the internet is that you can come to know people you've never met. The terrible thing is that you can come to love them, and their loss hurts as much as if it had been someone you saw every day.

I never met Barry, but I loved him. He was a shining example of how to cope with a chronic cancer and yet go on with life through it all, giving support and comfort to others and contributing his work as a listowner of Cancer-L.

Barry, Paul Klein, and I formed a little cabal of low-grade NHLers. We swapped news of every little twist, turn, and bump on the road. When I discovered my relapse, he was the first to tell me that his nodes waxed and waned but never quite went away. This comforted me tremendously, and it turned out that he was right (of course! he had BEEN there)--and mine have done the same.

The character of this friend showed in his generosity in sharing his experiences and helping others through the same tangled terrain. I hope I have learned from him to focus on the journey.

I will miss him terribly.

Judy

Judy Gibson jgibson@cts.com Descanso, California
Botany Department San Diego Natural History Museum
http://www.users.cts.com/crash/j/jgibson/

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 00:08:29 -0500
From: Elizabeth Jones
Subject: late night thoughts

Someone wrote how hard it must be for George to post the news about Barry. I'm glad they pointed that out, and I'd like to add my condolences for your loss. I'm sorry. I feel like I've written so many sympathy and condolence messages and attended so many funerals in the past four years that I don't know what to say anymore.

George, thank you for preparing us for Barry's passing. I didn't "like" seeing those messages - I felt angry with each one - but I'm so glad you helped ease us/me into this.

I just went digging around my desk and found the polaroid of Barry, Charlie, and me taken at our real-space get together in Dec. (?) of '95! Barry looks healthy, Charlie has a big smile on, and I'm about 15 pounds lighter :-\

That's one of the most amazing things about this cancer shit that I find very hard to comprehend or come to terms with or..something... But the fact that someone is literally "here" one moment/month and gone the next just astounds and baffles me. Remember, I'm in a weekly support group also so I've gone to lots and lots of funerals. And it's why I do not "relax" and feel "cured" though I've been tumor free for more than a year. If there's one lesson cancer has taught me it's the unpredictability of death. People ask me all the time if I'm in "remission." I tell them I don't know what the hell that means...that all I can say is that right now I have the upper hand - that I feel I'm in a constant struggle to balance the "good" cells with the "bad." I think others have said it (and I particularly think of Mary V. S.) - if you can keep things stable...keep those cells/tumors/whatever status quo...then, hey, you're doing o.k.

This attitude about what we're dealing with here has gotten even more rein- forcement this week with the loss of Barry and - as an old timer on this list (I've been on between 3 and 4 years) - the devastating news from Lucie, whose "presence" on this list was for quite a while second to none. She's provided as much knowledge, support, and yes, controversial oppinions as anyone. Like all the amazing people I've been privileged to meet through this list, I can't imagine the world without her in it.

O.K. it's late. See why I hardly ever post? You can't shut me up! (Especially after a few glasses of wine). For the newbies, I will get around to re-intro- ducing myself one of these days. For the old-timers (wow, Ceil - great to hear from you again!!), well you know how hard it is to keep up with this list and there are more new names all the time. But I stay. And I can't imagine what I'd have done without this connection these past years. And I can't begin to express how much you all mean to me. I love "you guys" so much. (Yeah, I know, to steal from a famous movie ad.... in cyberspace, no one can hear you slur your words :-)

For Barry, only one line keeps coming to mind..."Goodnight sweet prince. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!" (There's your cue, Angel :-)

G'night all.
Love,
Liz

Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 21:32:00 -0800
From: Nancy Keene
Subject: Barry

So sorry to hear of Barry's death. Please extend my sympathy to Elaine and the rest of the family. Barry helped many, many people and he will be sorely missed.

Nancy

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 01:28:55 -0700
From: Angel Howse
Subject: Re: Barry Wollmann - Died March 25, 1997

I hate this dam thing they call cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell Barry's family I send them my prayers.

love
angel

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 07:05:05 -0300
From: Sanson Volmark
Subject: Re: Barry Wollmann Z"L

B"H

Boruch Dayan Emet

Sanson Volmark
email: sansonvolmark@sudnet.com.ar

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 06:39:11 -0600
From: "Kendall R. Furlong"
Subject: The Bubble Burst

<snip, snip>

I saw the posting on Barry Wolman's passing. We are deeply saddened. . .

Ken and Neila Furlong

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 08:27:28 -0500
From: Ruth Baldrige
Subject: Re: Barry

Barry helped me a great deal when I came to the list and as I went through my "ordeal." I will miss him a great deal. Please tell Barry's family that they are in my thoughts. May time bring them peace.

Ruth

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 09:33:38 +0000
From: Half-man
Subject: Barry .....

<uncloaking>

I will definitely be attending the memorial service for Barry, and will convey to Elaine the depth of love, admiration, and thanks from all of the C-L family.

I had lunch with Barry a year or so ago, and the thing that sticks-out most in my memory is that Barry always thought of his disease as a 'chronic' illness, which flared-up and needed dealing with at that time, never a 'fatal' illness. He knew that it could be, but refused to relate to it in that way.

His dry wit, generosity of spirit, and sharing of knowledge was always appreciated, and will be missed greatly.

Rest gently, my friend. Say hello to Joyce, Caylee, Ron, Richard, Greggory, Catherine, and all the rest of the 'family' that have passed beyond reach of The Beast. And save a place in the evening sky for us.

Charlie Gould

<cloaking>

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 16:51:25 +0200
From: Matti Narkia
Subject: Re: Barry .....

On 27 Mar 97 at 9:33, Charlie Gould wrote:

> I will definitely be attending the memorial service for Barry, and will
> convey to Elaine the depth of love, admiration, and thanks from all of
> the C-L family.

Charlie, could you also convey my deepest condolences to Barry's family? I don't know what to say, I'm still in shock. When I joined CANCER-L in 1994, Barry was already here. He was also one of those list members with whom I have occasionally exchanged email. Like you I enjoyed his dry sense of humor. Every loss of life hurts, but to me Barry's death, especially because it seemed so unexpected, is especially difficult to understand and accept. --

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 18:06:31 GMT
From: "Hetherington, Orland"
Subject: Barry

I'm sorry to hear about Barry. Even though we were told about things as they developed it still came as a shock. He'll be missed. He was always trying to help others . This world is a poorer place without him. Please give my deepest sympathies to his family.

"Hope and Dreams Reign Where Cancer Cannot Go"
___________________
%%% ORLAND HETHERINGTON %%% % %%%% orland@gtn.net %%%% % %%%% %%% _________ %%%%%%%

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 15:21:02 -0600
From: Mary Seager
Subject: Re: Barry .....

Charlie Gould wrote:

> I will definitely be attending the memorial service for Barry, and will
>convey to Elaine the depth of love, admiration,and thanks from all of
>the C-L family.

Charlie,

Thank you for representing those of us who can only be at Barry's funeral in spirit.

This really hurts very badly. Barry helped me so many times with such calm and solidity that I had begun to believe that he would outlast all of us. He was truly one of my heros.

Please tell Elaine that for me.

Mary
Mary Seager St. Louis Community College 3400 Pershall Rd. St. Louis MO 63135 314-595-4462
e-mail: mseager@fv.stlcc.cc.mo.us
mvseager@artsci.wustl.edu

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 15:59:54 -0600
From: LaDonna Backmeyer
Subject: Re: Barry .....

I second (Mary's Statement), Charlie. Thank you so much for speaking for all of us. Give Elaine a hug.

Life is a book I never want to stop reading.
--LaDonna Breidfjord Backmeyer--

Date: Thu, 27 Mar 1997 21:54:13 -0500
From: "R. M. Panoff, Ph.D."
Subject: Re: Barry .....

I am trying to make it up for the service, but I have decided I am really too tired to drive safely any more today, so I am stopping for the night in DC. I'll see how I am doing in the a.m., but I may not have made it far enough on day 1 to get there on day 2. Please, for anyone who is able to go, convey my heartfelt sympathies to Elaine and the whole family. Barry was a big help to me when I was going through my surgery and recovery.

With best wishes,

Bob
--
Dr. Robert M. Panoff,
Executive Director The Shodor Education Foundation, Inc.
923 Broad Street, Suite 100,
Durham, NC 27705
VOX:(919) 286-1911,
FAX (919) 286-7876 e-mail: rpanoff@shodor.org
http://www.shodor.org

Date: Sat, 29 Mar 1997 11:44:44 GMT
From: "Beatriz G.L-Valcarcel"
Subject: Barry

In the first days of October 1996 I discovered cancer-L list and got subscribed in digest mode. I sent a post asking for information, as a caregiver for my husband, and immediately I got an answer from Barry. Can you imagine how important was that for us?. Someone beyond the Ocean was hearing me, able to help us!. I ran to home to read my husband the post. Barry made us happy that day. Now I am very sad. I have fear to read the digest every day, I am scared about bad news. I haven't read the list the last week. Now I just read about Barry's death and I can't stop crying. But when I follow up reaging the messages, I get to know about Richard's death. God!. Bonnie, I am sorry, I have no words to tell you, only a deep sadness to share. What a dark time to live!.

Beatriz Valcarcel

From: rbjones
Subject: Re: Light Out There Somewhere
Beatriz G.L-Valcarcel wrote: > Now I just read about > Barry's death and I can't stop crying.

Beatriz,

Yes, it is a dark time, but somewhere out there there is light. Sometimes it's just dimmer than at other times. People who aren't on the internet or on these lists don't understand how we can mourn someone we've never met *face-to-face* and yet we do. The light comes from hearing of friends (old and new) who have cat scans showing their cancer in remission. It comes from hearing the antics of Matthew and his brave spirit and Honna's even though they spend a holiday (actually several) in the hospital. The light comes when people who's lives you don't think you've touched come up and tell you how important your husband was to them. Even in death, Barry helped me. I had cried a little each day after (and before) Richard's death. But I really felt numb and exhausted. I worried I was in denial and while I didn't want to come out of the numbness, I knew I needed to to get on with life. When I read about Barry, I cried and then I began to thaw emotionally and I was able to really cry about Richard. At that time I wanted the numbness back (Richard would smile at me and tell me, *You're never happy. You'd even complain if you were hung with a new rope.*) We can let the darkness overwhelm us, or we can keep looking for that light we know is out there waiting to guide us on. Thank you for your support Beatriz and hang in there, okay? If you do, I'll try to too. :^) Bonnie -- "If what I ask will not glorify You name, Don't grant it, and if You don't, Then give me the strength to Glorify Your name without it"

Bonnie Jones
rbjones@worldaccessnet.com
La Center, WA

Date: Sat, 29 Mar 1997 06:59:09 -0500
From: Norma Curzon Downes
Subject: Re. Barry.

Like many others have written Barry was one of the first people to offer me some technical advice regarding this list. Despite his own illness he was always so willing to help so many others.

He will be greatly missed by so many. My condolences to his family.

Norma by Balsam Lake, Victoria County, in Ontario.
Isolated geographically but not through the 'Net.

Date: Sat, 29 Mar 1997
From: Half-man
Subject: Barry' Memorial Service

<uncloaking>

'Lo all. Just an update.

I did indeed manage to attend the memorial service in Boston for Barry Wolman. I arrived just as it got underway. It was well-attended, and the words from the rabbi were very heartfelt, as he knew Barry's family for many years, even tutoring Barry's sons through their religious education.

An interesting point that he made was that according to some of the mystics and prophets, this was not a time for comforting the bereaved. Comfort, according to his interpretation, would come later, and now was a time for grieving. The family should be allowed to grieve, friends should grieve, and that process should be allowed to continue until it was through. Only then would the offers of comfort be received as intended. Interesting.

His Brother-In Law gave a very emotional and well-written eulogy, and in it referenced this list.

We followed the casket out to the hearse, but Elaine and her sons stayed inside a while talking with the rabbi. I felt that going to the gravesite was too much at that point, so I expressed condolences on the part of all of you to his brother-in-law, with a request to pass them on to Elaine and the boys - which he said he would.

In the guestbook, I signed, "Charlie Gould, representing the 500+ members of the CANCER-L community."

I never talked to anyone, and disappeared to be alone with my own thoughts. But, *WE* were there!

Charlie

<cloaking>

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Charlie - Ex-Golfer, Ex-Male
Dead man walking.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 22:59:55 -0800
From: rbjones
Subject: Re: Barry's Memorial Service Half-man wrote:
> In the guestbook, I signed, "Charlie Gould, representing the 500+
> members of the CANCER-L community."
> I never talked to anyone, and disappeared to be alone with my own
> thoughts. But, *WE* were there!

Thank you Charlie, for representing us.

Bonnie

Date: Tue, 1 Apr 1997 14:24:47 EST
From: Marvin and Marsha Wolpov
Subject: Barrys Memorial

Dear Charlie,

Thank you so much for representing us at Barry's funeral. Whatever comfort it was to Barry's family, it was as much or even more of a comfort to the rest of us.

Marsha

Date: Tue, 1 Apr 1997 14:46:37 -0500
From: Gilles Frydman
Subject: It hurts.......

Hello everybody.

I finally came back from Israel. I had great difficulty reading my mail from there but I caught GrannyBarb's message announcing the untimely death of Barry Wolman.

I can only repeat what GrannyBarb said. It really, really hurts. I fell numb for a couple of days.

I want to create a site in Barry's memory. If you would like to think of what this site should contain please let me know.

Thank you to Charlie for representing all of us from the list at Barry's funeral.

Gilles Fydman

Sorry Gilles, GrannyBarb beat you to the creation of the memorial site, but Acor gets the privilege of hosting it.

With love to Elaine, Jeffrey, and Daniel Wolman

This was a labor of love for your husband and father. A man special to me because of his kindness, knowledge, and wit And his willingness to share them all with those of us who were lucky enough to have known him.

Grannybarb


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