TC Humor

What are you saying? How can cancer be funny?! Are you sick or something?

  Well, first off, gang, cancer is NOT funny, and yes we are sick and something...but for some bizarre reason, a lot of guys with testicular cancer seem to find something funny in their situation. Maybe we're just happy because, for the most part, we can look death in the face and laugh (unlike most cancer folks)...or maybe it's just because we're guys, and we've been making jokes about our Nuts and Johnsons all our lives! Either way, the funny's out there, here's a sampling:

Politically correct (?) disclaimer: As you might imagine, the following stuff is of a coarse nature--if you are easily offended, you may not want to read on...then again, if you've got TC you're gonna need some pretty thick skin, and you probably should!

Random shots

He goes into the back of the van and gets out his equipment: a rope, a chiihuahua, and a shotgun.

"WHAT are you going to do with that?!", the owner asks increduously. "It's really quite simple.", the man replies. "I climb up the tree, grab the gorilla, and throw him to the ground. That Chihuahua, that's a well trained vicious dog. He will go right for the gorilla's crotch as soon as he hits the ground. The gorilla will then instinctively cover his privates with both of his hands - you throw the rope around him, and presto! you have your gorilla back..."

"That's great!", the owner replies, "But what's the shotgun for?" The man looked at him and said "Well sir, sometimes the gorilla throws me down first....that when YOU shoot the dog!"

I had hardly recovered from the shock of being told I had just lost half of my masculinity to cancer when they told me that the second (lymph node) surgery might make me shoot blanks (i.e. have a retrograde ejaculation). Since we did not yet have children, I decided to donate some sperm in case I wanted to have any in the future. Our first appointment was at the sperm bank in downtown Chicago, where my wife and I went directly from Madison, Wisconsin, after my first surgery. At the clinic, the donation process was handled (sorry!) very discretely, though I must admit it was rather unusual to go into a room to do what had to be done with my wife and a strange man waiting outside the door! But heck, once you've had a whole class of nursing students examining your jewels, what ELSE could be embarrassing?

We returned to our home in Stevens Point, and between my first and second surgeries I had to "donate" sperm at our local one-runway, one-airline, two-flight-a-day airport! This was done so that I could get my deposit onto a commuter plane, and then to a waiting taxi which would rush it to the sperm bank in downtown Chicago ASAP. It was rather awkward to explain to the airline clerk, who of course was a woman, just what I needed to do, why I needed to know exactly when the plane would land and take off, since time was of the essence, and that the package needed to ride in the air-conditioned and pressurized passenger cabin, and not under the plane with the rest of the baggage. But heck, once you've had a whole class of nursing students examining your jewels, what ELSE could be embarrassing?

And so I found myself in the only (very quiet) toilet stall in the men's room, with the special hardened plastic condom the sperm bank sent home, with me rythmically going crinkle, crinkle, crinkle -- and someone walked in! I had forgotten to lock the door behind myself. There I was, frozen in place, stopped in "mid-crinkle", knowing that the plane would land in less than 3 minutes, and that it needed to take off almost immediately. There I sat, waiting for him to finish his business and get out. I was afraid to move for fear that the visual aid(!) I had brought with me might fall off of my knees onto the floor. I discovered that even the slightest move created a crinkle that resonated loudly off of the porcelain-lined bathroom walls. I remained frozen in fear, shades of being fifteen all over again! I'd always thought that once I'd had a whole class of nursing students examining my jewels, what ELSE could be embarrassing? Well, THIS WAS EMBARASSING! But I couldn't even see the man who it was that was embarassing me.

He must have been an older man with a prostate problem or just someone with impressive bladder capacity, because it seemed to take him forever to finish. And, wouldn't you know it, he was a hand washer! I had begun to fear that I would wilt during the waiting period, and had been staring hard at the smiling paper lady sitting on my knees, trying very hard to stay, well... very hard. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally left. I could hear the plane landing as I hurriedly finished my donation, wrapped up the package with it's large red "RUSH: MEDICAL SPECIMEN" tag, and ran it out to the woman at the passenger counter. She accepted the fruits of my labor (and loins), mercifully without the slightest hint of either amusement or of embarassment, of which I had more than enough for both of us. My deposit was the only thing that left the airport on that flight, but when all was said and done, I wondered if it would have been less embarassing to just fly to Chicago myself!

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her that "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone." He went on to ask "Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls..." she replied.

David called his friend Rick to tell him the bad news that he had recently been diagnosed with TC. He went on to tell him the way he noticed that he had TC was because he had one enlarged testicle. "Oh no!", said Rick, "I must have TC in both of mine!"...

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run... run!" The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the pitch crossed past outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain", and she began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, actually, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan..."

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following: P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls

Direct from the TCRC Home Office in San Antonio, Texas:

The Top 10 Things Guys with TC Have to be Thankful For:
#10 - Showing our scars can have ulterior benefits

 #9 - Protective radiation "cup" doubles as a decorative soap holder

 #8 - One less organ to worry about having to donate

 #7 - Discounts on Lance Armstrong autographed "modified" sportswear

 #6 - Regular check ups include precautionary prostate checks, too

 #5 - Holiday performances of the "Nutcracker" take on whole new meanings

 #4 - Ball State University

 #3 - Real men only need one, anyway...

 #2 - New developments in the golf ball industry guarantee a plethora of available prostheses that not only add yards to your driver but length to your putter

and the #1 thing guys with TC have to be thankful for IS:
Hey, at least you know you can only get it twice...

A guy on an airplane is sitting next to a simply gorgeous babe, wearing a very sexy skirt and typing busily on a laptop computer. She's not paying any attention to him or to the stewardess asking her if she would like to eat or drink anything.

The guy comments to her, "Must be something pretty important you're working on"--she says: "Yes, I am doing a very important research paper." The guy has to ask, "Well, what's the research about?" The woman answers: "I am trying to determine which nationality has the most potent testicles, and which has the most stamina."

Taken aback, the guy asks: "And what did you find?"

The lady puts down her work and says : "People from Iran have the strongest balls, and Italians have the most staying power." Then she turns to him and says, "Oh, by the way, I'm Nancy. The guy says: "Nice to meet you, Nancy--my name's Antonio Rasfanjani!"...

A man goes to a doctor for an examination. After the exam the doctor tells the man, "I have bad news for you. You have Alzhiemers and testicular cancer." The man says, "Whew, at least I don't have cancer!"

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, thought, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money."Was it an inheritance?" he asked."No," she answered."Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired."No," she replied.He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars."I bet," she stated."As in horses?" he asked."No," she replied. "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had.

He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved."Well," she asked, "what about our bet?""I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request, considering the amount of money involved, and dropped his trousers.She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?"he inquired."Oh, him," she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

There was this man who kept having horrible pain in his scrotum, and it got to the point where he just could not function anymore. He finally decided to consult a doctor about it....

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I keep getting these terrible pains.", he said. "Well", the doctor said, "let's run some tests and see what we can do."

And so the man underwent all sorts of poking, prodding, scanning, etc. Finally, the doctor was ready with his diagnosis. "I've found out that your pain is caused by your testicles pressing up against your spine, and I am sorry to say that I think it has caused you to have testicular cancer." "Oh, so what can we do, doctor?", asked the man anxiously.

"Well, there's lot's we can do for you, but first we'll have to remove the pressure on your spine by removing your testicles.", the doctor answered.

At this answer, the man was stunned, given that this would be a major decision, and he decided to think it over. In the end, though, he simply could not stand the pain any longer and decided to have the surgery to remove his testicles. A day or two after surgery, the man found himself quite a little tender and very depressed, so he decided to go for a walk. He spotted a tailor's shop and, in an effort to cheer himself up, decided to get new clothes.

"Can I help you, sir?", asked the sales clerk as soon as he walked in. "Yes", the man said, "I'd like to get a new suit." The sales clerk looked at him..."All right...hmmm, a 42 long, right?". "Well, yes!", the man said in surprise, "How did you know?". "It's my job to know." the clerk answered, smiling...

The clerk then went on, saying "Your shirt would be a 17 1/2, and some new shoes and socks, hmmm, a 10 1/2". The man was amazed and feeling good because it was unusual to find anyone who could size him up so accurately and quickly! While he tried on his new clothes, the clerk suggested some new underwear, and the man agreed.

"I'll be right back with a size 36", the clerk said. "A-hah!", the man exclaimed. "That's wrong! I'm a 34 and I've worn size 34 underwear since college.", he proudly proclaimed .

"Oh, no, no..", the clerk said confidently, "You are a size 36. If you wore size 34 underwear it would cause your testicles to press up against your spine and could give you testicular cancer!"

PS--there is no medical evidence of this whatsoever! (grin)

Personally, I have managed to keep a pretty positive and humorous spin on this so far--my last words to the surgeon before going under for my initial removal operation were: "You know, doc, I'd give my right nut to know if I have cancer or not!" (PS--and I did, too!).

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, Senor," replies the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones--how you say, the testicles--of the bull killed in the ring today."

The tourist swallows hard but tastes the dish and thinks it's delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them, are much smaller than the ones I had last night."

"Yes, Senor," replies the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."

Once there was a young man that survived a terrible plane crash and was lost in a forest. He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days and survived on berries and twigs. He was much too slow to catch any kind of animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts when he was younger.

After two week of wondering he found a three story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation he knocked on the door. A little old man answered the door. He had a long white beard that hung almost to the floor. "Please, I need some food and shelter," said the young man.

"This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter," the old man replied. "Thank you, and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter," said the visitor. "For if you do," said the old man, " I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests that have ever been devised."

The man, too weak, agreed to this, thinking no woman could arouse him in his weakened state. After a shower and some sleep, the guest went downstairs to eat. A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat. The old man's daughter entered the room and to great surprise of the young man, she was most beautiful, so beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away from her during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into the girls room just to take one last look at her for he promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man gave him. When he opened the door, he saw the girl was awake and to his surprise, she ushered him in. Well, being stuck in a forest with just your father doesn't suppress all urges so one thing lead to another. They were as quiet as possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours, the young man crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he had just done. He fell asleep thinking of her.

When he awoke, he felt an enormous chest pain. As he opened his eyes, he saw a rock on his chest with a sign on it. It said:

1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest!

Well this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the window it said:

2nd Chinese torture, left testicle tied to 100 pound rock!

Without hesitation, the young man jumped out the window knowing a 3-story drop would be far better than what was in store for him.

As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said:

3rd Chinese torture, right testicle tied to bed post!

Stuff so weird it just has to be real...

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Ovi's World of the Bizarre -- http://www.ovis.com/
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THE MISSING TESTICLE
VILNIUS, Lithuania -- A 58-year old woman was arrested after the failed attempt to castrate her husband. She did succeed to cut off one of her husband's testicles. Apparently, the woman was under the influence of alcohol. The police searched the house and found the missing testicle on top of a wardrobe with a surgeon's knife next to it.

Man Bites Off Dog's Testicles
Source: LB Press-Telegram

CORNING (01-22) -- A man angry when a stray dog tried to mount his pet German Shepard is accused of cruelty to animals for biting the stray dog's genitals. Raymond Leroy Belew, 25, an iron worker, tried to separate the two dogs. When the black-and-white dog failed to leave, Belew bit off the stray dog's genitals. "Maybe the mutt bit him, maybe it didn't. He had red marks, but no broken skin," said Tehama County sheriff Cmdr. Paul Hosler.

A study published in a 1995 issue of the Journal of Urology estimated that 600,000 men in the U. S. are impotent from injuries to their crotches, about 40% of them from too-vigorous bicycling. [Boston Globe, 10-16-95]

In a medical journal, University of New Hampshire researchers found that one adolescent boy in ten has been kicked in the testicles by another kid, 40% of the time by girls. Boys who wear glasses or have other physical limitations are three times more likely to be kicked and a year after the kicking, one-fourth of the victims still suffered depression from the incident. [USA Today-Journal of the American Medical Association, 12-6- 95]

"If you're not a dog owner, it seems silly," admits Gregg Miller, inventor of Neuticles, which has already been tried out in 817 dogs. The what? Plastic replacement testicles, implanted after a dog is neutered, available in five sizes from Chihuahua ($28) to Great Dane ($32). "With these, the dog looks the same. He feels the same. He doesn't even know he's been neutered," Miller says. [Reuter]

Tag Lines

Tag lines, for those of you not "in the know", are (hopefully) humorous little quotes added to the ends of emails...much like a "PS", they add a little zing and insight into the sender, sometimes more than they might wish!

Ex: Best wishes in your success, Richard Johnson
(No testicles were removed in the creation of this email...)

More tags
Loyal member(!) of the RMOS (Rocky Mountain Oyster Society)

2 balls, or not 2 balls? That is the orchiectomy!

Real men only need one...

Is that a lump on your testicle, or are you just happy to see me?

Not crazy, just 1/2 nuts...

No nuts, no guts!

The following is a testicle....1-2-3 (tickle!!) Hahahaha!...this was only a testicle.

It takes ball to have TC...

I'm two thirds the man I used to be.

If you're going to kick me there, you'd better have good aim.

I had TC, now I have a new change purse.

I've only got one, but it's working double time.